Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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