1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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