I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
