He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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