I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
