My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
