i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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