If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We have started to decorate penises.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
you made out with another girl for some wings
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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