is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
