i wish peter jackson would direct porn
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Houston, we have a blender
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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