how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I wish there were birth control emojis
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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