ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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