I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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