Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Crop dusting thru forever 21
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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