Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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