the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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