I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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