my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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