Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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