can we get nightvision for the apartment?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
