I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
