sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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