my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
