At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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