thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
