remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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