I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
