this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
