Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
