I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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