She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
