I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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