Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
