i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
