If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
