i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
