$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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