No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
