Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
