I hate all girls vehemently.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
