I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
