I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
