Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
