A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
