But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
