Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Actions speak louder than pants.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
