So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
This baby is an asshole
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize