There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
