i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize