if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
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