my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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