Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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