happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize