wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
